Judges Steven Tyler (L), Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson pose together during the 11th season finale of "American Idol" in Los Angeles, California, on May 23, 2012
Credits: REUTERS/MARIO ANZUONI
So, J. Lo and Steven Tyler have left American Idol. That, of course, prompts the question: Who's going to replace them? Which in turn prompts the question: Who cares?
Seriously, does it even matter? When it's said and done, nobody cares who won. Nobody buys their music. Nobody goes to see them. Nobody even remembers who they are.
But let's face it: Idol still makes money. Which means we're going to spend the next several months sitting through endless rumours and hints about which has-been singer will or won't or should judge. Yippee.
Since it's obvious nobody with a lick of self-respect would come within a mile of this reeking cesspool of mediocrity, it's time to think outside the box. Here, then, are some performers who seem uniquely qualified for a seat at the Idol table. Who knows, they might even make it vaguely entertaining.
Why: The Motor City Hatemonger will make all contestants show proof of citizenship; he'll veto anyone who has an accent, raps and/or dares to speak in a foreign language; he won't let anyone advance to the next round until they go bow hunting with him.
How to Impress Him: Sing The Star-Spangled Banner while gutting a deer and burning a picture of Obama.
Why: Madge will speak in an English accent, flirt with every male contestant, compare body-fat percentages with every female one, insist the sets be redesigned as S&M dungeons, and do squat-thrusts while judging. It'll be like Paula Abdul on steroids. Literally.
How to Impress Her: Drop and give her 20.
David Lee Roth
Why: He's the perfect successor to Steven -- a jive-talking blowhard who looks like an old crone and has a head so swelled they'll have to shoot in an airplane hangar. Plus, whenever he's away, they can get Sammy Hagar to reverse all his decisions.
How to Impress Him: Belt out show tunes in an American flag bikini.
Why: She'll tweet, blog and jabber incessantly on her cell during every broadcast, engage in bizarre feuds and/or sleep with random contestants, physically attack anyone who does a Foo Fighters song, and show her breasts at least once per episode.
How to Impress Her: Tell her you loved Nobody's Daughter.
Why: Live shows will start after midnight; he'll leap off-stage and assault the cameramen filming the show; all his judgments will be rendered in the form of semi-coherent screeds on his website; it will be 20 years until the next American Idol album comes out.
How to Impress Him: Write a concept album about killing Slash.
Why: Every musical segment will be accompanied by massive pyro; Toni Home Perms will be de rigueur; and every day he's doing American Idol is another day Nickelback aren't touring or recording, so it's really a win-win for society at large.
How to Impress Him: Strip.
Why: Hakuna matata, baby. Hakuna matata.
How to Impress Him: Pretend you remember him.