Credits: (CHRIS WATTIE/REUTERS)
I, Justin Trudeau, woke up this morning wondering, as I do every morning, what Canada can do for me ... Justin Trudeau.
After all, who wants to live in a country that insists on calling honour killings "barbaric"?
One where you can't even call Peter Kent a "piece of sh*t" in the House of Commons without everybody going bananas?
Fuddle duddle. This is not the Canada I, Justin Trudeau, grew up in.
Because I, Justin Trudeau, am a loyal Quebecer.
I mean, I, Justin Trudeau, am a loyal Canadian.
Everybody knows I, Justin Trudeau, live this country in my bones, with every breath I take.
Just because I, Justin Trudeau, said if Stephen Harper keeps ruining Canada, I might want to make Quebec a separate country, doesn't mean I meant if Stephen Harper keeps ruining Canada, I might want to make Quebec a separate country.
How stupid can people be?
It's not Harper's polices that offend me.
It's his values.
No wait ... I mean it's not Harper's values that offend me. It's his policies.
Then again, I'm not a big fan of Harper's values, either.
By the way, what's a "value"?
Don't you hate the way Harper has made abortions illegal and banned gay marriages in this country?
I, Justin Trudeau, do.
Anyway, why are we even debating whether I, Justin Trudeau, love Canada?
Everybody knows I, Justin Trudeau, love Canada.
Just not as much as I love myself ... Justin Trudeau.
Look, I, Justin Trudeau, am not complaining.
It's just that when you think as many deep thoughts as I, Justin Trudeau, do every day, it's hard to keep them all straight inside your head until they come out of your mouth.
Sometimes I think my mouth isn't big enough for my brain, sort of like the Brain in Pinky and the Brain.
This is a burden I, Justin Trudeau, must bear - for the sake of the starving children of Africa, who look up to me - so that I can make life better for everyone ... who is not Justin Trudeau. (That's me.)
The question is, why are so many Quebecers ... I mean why are so many Canadians today unhappy?
The answer is that Harper is prime minister.
I, Justin Trudeau, have thought about this long and hard, mostly in the Parliamentary bathroom, and I have concluded everything will be fine if we just replace Harper.
With me, Justin Trudeau.
Not that I, Justin Trudeau, am interested in becoming prime minister.
That's why I, Justin Trudeau, decided to pursue a different career from my Dad before I entered politics.
If only I could remember what it was.
I, Justin Trudeau, have been having deep thoughts like this ever since I was a little boy, so it must be important because I, Justin Trudeau, am ... um ... Justin Trudeau.
Just an average Canadian kid who grew up in a typical house in an Ottawa subdivision. At 24 Sussex Drive.
That's why I, Justin Trudeau, am so in touch with ordinary Canadians.
It's too bad you are not Justin Trudeau - like me - but then there would be too many Justin Trudeaus, and I, Justin Trudeau, would not be unique.
Can you imagine what Canada would be like if there were 33 million Justin Trudeaus running around talking all the time?
That wouldn't be good ... Or maybe it would be.
Then we could all call Peter Kent a "piece of sh#t" in the House of Commons! Except there wouldn't be any Peter Kent ... would there?
Anyway, that's enough for tonight, Diary.
I, Justin Trudeau, must get my beauty sleep and rest my big brain.
Could someone please turn out the light?
I, Justin Trudeau, am too tired to do so.
I, Justin Trudeau, just had another deep thought ... zzzzzz.