Straight Talk
TED WOLOSHYN - New Year’s attempts, not resolutions

Credits: KEN WIGHTMAN / The London Free Press

TED WOLOSHYN | QMI AGENCY

I normally avoid making New Year's resolutions - they cause additional stress in a season that's not exactly devoid of stress.

However, there are changes I should like to make in my life so I have put together a list of things I will attempt to stop doing. These are not resolutions but rather attempts.

This way if I say I'm going to attempt to stop doing something and find myself still doing it, I haven't broken a resolve - but instead have not quite succeeded in my attempts. But at least I tried, and I believe that not quite successes are the foundation on which great success is built. (You're not buying this are you?)

This year I will attempt to never begin a sentence nor will I answer a question starting with the phrase "You know what?" That phrase has infected millions of people. It's so damn addictive. It's the heroin of conversation crutches.

I will attempt to stop calling my son's friends "Dude." Perhaps then he will stop those "You're such knob, dad," looks.

I will attempt to stop myself from eating large spoonfuls of peanut butter late at night and then tossing them into an empty sink. That stuff sticks to a spoon like stuff to a woolly blanket - if you get my drift.

I will attempt to change the light bulb in the kitchen fixture. (For those who know about how inept I am at handyman tasks, they're nodding their heads.) But trust me when I say no one should make grilled cheese sandwiches in the dark. Which reminds me, I should attempt to stop buying plastic cheese slices, or at least remember to remove the plastic when making the aforementioned grilled cheese sandwiches in the dark.

I will continue to avoid eating liver as I have done quite successfully for many years, although I was coerced into trying a liver sausage at a Christmas party recently and it was excellent. But none of that liver and onions stuff.

I will attempt to stop correcting people when they say "I seen that," instead of I saw that. Now I am not without grammatical error, but for some reason that one makes me crazy.

I will attempt to spend more time working out at the gym, and by attempt I mean I will always have my gym bag packed and ready to go.

Same goes for eating more fruits and vegetables, meaning they will always appear on my grocery list.

I will attempt to stop cursing at inanimate objects such as socks with holes in them, no parking signs, and the "no winner" response that comes from the lottery machine when I check my tickets. I will however curse when that phrase is repeated in French; there's no reason for them to rub it in.

I will also attempt to stop using the "F" word in the presence of others, however I will not replace it with the words "Freaking, Frickin' and Friggin'." I mean, really, who are we kidding?

So you see, my friends, although I have set forth many challenges for myself in the coming year, I believe I'm up for the task.

At least I will make an attempt, and you know what? That counts.

Damn!

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