TORONTO - Sooner or later, one of those meteors will land on a polar bear and we’ll never hear the end of it.
“See?!” David Suzuki and Al Gore will cry, apocalyptically. “Global warming!”
Gore will make a video of the poor, pancaked bruin, with a track of Elvis singing Teddy Bear.
Baby let me be,
Your lovin’ teddy bear
Nothing makes an ecozealot lick his chops like a cuddly critter. In 2006’s An Inconvenient Truth, Gore’s voice trembles as an animated polar bear drowns because there are no ice floes left.
It is the silliest bit of cinema since the horse got punched in Blazing Saddles. But, voila, ecozealots had their poster bear.
The drowning polar bear scenario was quickly debunked — turns out the Great White Beast is booming up north.
But if the likes of Suzuki, Gore and Barack Obama can somehow show climate change is causing critter-mashing meteorities, it’s a PR bonanza.
Unless you’re in a coma or holidaying on Halley’s Comet, you’ve gazed nervously skyward the past few days.
First, a meteorite the size of a school bus streaks across the morning sky over Siberia, posing for cellphones as it goes, and explodes with a force 20 times greater than the Hiroshima bomb. A thousand people are cut by flying glass, though few seriously.
Barely 16 hours later, Friday afternoon, asteroid 2012 DA14, the size of an Olympic pool, misses Earth by just 28,000 km, nearer than some satellites.
Officially, it’s the closest call ever recorded, though not if you ask a Siberian.
DA14 was predicted, the Russian Rockette was not.
Funny, but on New Year’s Day 2009, a sober blonde and I watched a meteorite blaze across the afternoon sky off a Jamaican beach. Yes, it was up the road from Bob Marley’s birthplace, but I’d sworn off ganja 20 years earlier.
The space rock flamed out with a whimper, but it sure was unnerving. Makes you feel fragile. Ecozealots love that.
I bet Suzuki and Gore are wracking their brains.
Gore: “Okay, what if a meteorite lands on an emperor penguin couple minding their own business in Antarctica? That’s even better than polar bears!”
Suzuki: “We could say it’s the ozone hole.”
Gore: “Beautiful! Meteors used to bounce right off, we’ll say. But that ol’ rock went down that hole like Tennessee moonshine.”
Suzuki: “I’ll do The Nature of Things on it. We’ll play the theme from Happy Feet.”
Gore: “They’ll lap it up!”
Suzuki: “I’ll bring a baby penguin to speeches. I can charge a fortune!”
Gore: “How much you make now?”
Suzuki: “$30,000 for a speech to students about runaway consumerism and greed. Hehehe.”
Gore: “Pssshaw! Wait’ll some penguins get squished. You’ll make $100,000, like I have ever since the polar bear.”
Actually, the ozone hole is shrinking fast. And I don’t remember the last time I heard the frightening phrase, “acid rain.”
That’s what pisses me off about ecozealots. They profit by panic.
Any threat to their little industry is met by sneers — for instance, evidence that Earth temps were stable, or even cooler, in the past decade, when you factor out El Nino, La Nina and Lady Gaga.
Plus, they are blame merchants. Bad mankind, bad, bad. Economy, bad. Free enterprise, bad, bad, bad. Suzuki says “we have created an ecological holocaust.” We’re Nazis?
They think every time mankind farts, the Earth gags.
Of course we have an effect. Commonsense pollution controls are great. But we’re a piss in the ocean to the mighty defences of Mother Nature. Look how she shrugged off all those nuclear tests of the 1950s and 60s, not that we want to take that road again.
But science and debate without fear is not the ecozealots’ way.
So, far-fetched as it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if they blame the meteors on us.
Imagine their indignation if one lands on Al Gore’s mansion in Tennessee.