Credits: QMI AGENCY
TORONTO - Now that I know Eva Longoria is Mayan, the end of the world doesn’t seem so bad.
Actually, she’s part Mayan, according to DNA tests.
Long, long ago a Spanish conquistador and a local gal from Guaquitepec or someplace comingled under a jacaranda tree, leading, eventually, to a Desperate Housewife.
In a couple of weeks, I’ll stroll the sands of Eva’s ancestral homeland. Music critic Jane Stevenson and I are escorting a dozen Toronto Sun contest winners and their guests to Mexico’s Mayan Riviera.
Tough job, eh? Especially as Dec. 21 nears, the last date on the infamous Mayan calendar.
So I call this the End Of The World Tour. I assume Jane and I get danger pay. The Apocalypse can be stressful, you know.
(Ed. note: Strobel, quit trying to scare people with this Doomsday Countdown bunk. The Mayans never actually said Dec. 21 was the end.)
True. But who knows for sure? Your guess is as good as Mayan.
It’s the Iranian calendar I’m really worried about. But I don’t think Iran has beautiful beaches. Or bikinis.
So it’s off to Mexico and the Iberostar Paraiso Del Mar resort. I’m told it has an excellent roof, in case of a giant meteor.
“You got a one-way ticket?” asks my soothsaying friend Anthony Carr when I call him for insight.
Tony is the World’s Most Documented Psychic.
He also blows sax for the End of the World Blues Band, which is booked into 417, a newish dinner lounge on the Danforth on Dec. 4.
I wonder if they will play Nearer My God to Thee, like the Titanic band.
Dec. 21 ought to be one helluva party night. It happens to be a Friday. Those ancient Mayas were no dummies.
Hotels and clubs the world over are geared up, with such themes as Party Like There’s No To-Maya.
Archaeologists and their ilk have taken some of the fun out of Doomsday. They say the Mayan calendar simply expires like any other, like our SUNshine Girl calendar.
Maybe we’re just jaded. Hundreds of Armageddon wingnuts have cried wolf over the years.
I’m pretty sure we’ll all wake up alive, albeit hungover, on Dec. 22.
“Nothing bad will happen,” says Tony. “Zilch. Nada. If I’m wrong, sue me.
“We still have a few things to go through first, like World War III.”
Not to mention Nicki Minaj’s debut on American Idol.
“Then,” says Tony, “after the return of the star-traveller who created us, we can worry about the moon falling onto the earth or giant meteors or molten lava shifting in the bowels of the earth.”
Something to look forward to — just not on Dec. 21.
But never let the facts stand in the way of a good party.
Resorts in Mexico are staging assorted celebrations of Mayan culture, including tours of ruins.
“I see for you and your group a trip like no other, full of revelations, with plenty of sunshine and partying,” says Tony.
“I see high cheekbones and long, dark hair.”
“The earth will move.”
In the good way, I hope.
Just in case, we return from Cancun a week before the 21st. If a mob of Mayans clammers to come with us, I’ll worry.
It may surprise you to hear some seven million Mayans still live on and around the Yucatan peninsula.
I hope to ask them what they think of the hoopla.
I hope I do not find them stocking up on yucca and digging shelters.
I hope they’re selling calendars.
Eva Longoria, Miss December.
The world is ending, and you can’t take it with you, so you might as well donate to my Christmas Fund for Variety Village.
Details can be found at varietyvillage.ca.
- Harold Camping predicted May, 21, 2011 would be the date of rapture. Camping, a Christian radio broadcaster, an — was certain that was to be Judgment Day. The rapture was meant to sweep all true believers to heaven, leaving behind destruction lasting several months.
- Earth failed to self-destruct on Sept. 12, 2006 in a nuclear war-themed end-of-the-world prediction by a religious sect called the House of Yahweh. Despite the fact that the United States and North Korea did not engage in war and wipe out all of civilization, followers in Kenya still went underground — armed with gas masks — two days after the non-event. A sect leader blamed the difference in time zones at the time.
- Mere months after the world recovered from cowering under the dictatorial rule of the Y2K bug, May 2000 saw a rare celestial event spark yet another doomsday prediction. The alignment of five planets and the moon in a seemingly straight line across the solar system had people dreading the end of the world on May 5 that year. The next alignment is expected in September 2040.
- The start of a new millennium was greeted with a multi-million-dollar Year 2000 project to deal with any potential glitches, featuring Canadian Armed Forces on standby, rented generators, and satellite phones. We all know how this one turned out.